The Narcolepsy Dilemma
1:09 PM
I have reason to believe that I am suffering from narcolepsy. Possibly. Okay, perhaps the best term is not "believe" but "assume". My assumed narcolepsy has not been scientifically proven.
The scientific method goes:
1. Ask a question.
Am I narcoleptic? Or have I been a frequent target of horse tranquilizer-dipped poison darts?
2. Do background research.
There really isn't much research to do except noting the passage of time between my conscious self and my groggy and sober self during the middle of the day.
3. Construct a hypothesis.
My despise for midday naps is unparalleled, so my unexplained slippage into naps while the sun is still up is evidence of possible narcolepsy.
4. Test with an experiment.
I wouldn't call it an experiment, but I find that sitting idly by myself (whether it be in my car during lunch, or on my bed while reading a book, watching Netflix or porn) results in unplanned napping.
5. Analyze the results and draw a conclusion.
My hypothesis could be right. But who knows?
A quick Google search states that narcolepsy is "a sleep disorder that causes excessive sleepiness and frequent daytime sleep attacks." Daytime sleep attacks is very accurate to describe this condition that plagues me.
Unlike all children and most hardworking and sleep-deprived adults, I do not like to go nap nap in the middle of the day. Power naps do the opposite to my body--I do not feel energized, but I do feel like what little energy I had left had been sapped out of me and now I just want to take a full-blown eight-hour sleep.
When my body forces itself to pass out a.k.a. nap against my will, there is a 100% chance that I will wake up minutes later feeling the following:
- like a steamroller did a few laps across my unconscious body
- a thousand killer bees had stung my eyes
- a serious case of cotton mouth
- like I missed the unveiling of the iPhone 18S; therefore, I missed the chance to make fun of the iSheep who sold their firstborn children to get their hands on that damn Apple brick
The two most notable cases of daytime sleep attack both happened on the summer of 2012. I had just pulled into my parking space at my apartment complex. I was also on the phone with Cha who had called to tell me that he wasn't going to come over like he had promised.
"Why not?" I demanded.
"My brother is going to get locked up tomorrow. We're throwing a party for him tonight because he'll be gone for three months," he explained. Like it made sense and it was totally normal.
The thing with Cha is he is fiercely loyal to his family, so I couldn't fight him on that one. I told him to have fun and hung up.
Long after the conversation ended, I was still sitting in my car with one window cracked open a few inches. The driver's seat had been leaned back all the way and I was on my phone scrolling through Facebook. It was 5:30 pm and at least ninety degrees outside.
I blinked and suddenly it was 6:15. I also choked on the nearly-dried saliva that had pooled in my throat. I had inexplicably fallen asleep in my car when my own bedroom was just a few feet away. I had also left my car doors unlocked, which would have it extremely easy for a rapist/carjacker to rape/carjack me.
Weeks later, at work, I decided to spend my half-hour lunch in my car. I did not even lean my seat back this time. I just wanted to watch a few YouTube videos in my subscription box. I had to catch up on the Philip DeFranco Shows that I had missed. But no PDS' were watched because exactly an hour later, I was rushing back into the break room to clock in. I was literally half an hour late because I accidentally napped.
I did not want to nap both times. Ergo, narcolepsy.
How do I battle this disease?
x CoffeeCoffee does not give me the rush that coffee lovers talk about in the mornings. If anything, coffee simply tastes good (Starbucks, not the work coffee) but does not put me to sleep nor give me an extra boost.x Energy drinksThat 5-Hour Energy drink, which I tried twice, ended with disastrous results. Empty stomach or not, I had an unflattering case of shaky hands, sweaty palms, and queasy tummy. After hour six, I was ready to pass out under my work desk. I now understand why I was carded at Rite Aid when I bought it.Other energy drinks like Monster and Rockstar are just straight up unhealthy. One young co-worker of mine who drank a twenty-four-ounce can of Rockstar ended up hyperventilating and having a panic attack towards the end of the day. Rockstar turned my pee a horrific shade of biohazard neon green.Red Bull is something I would drink only with Ketel One.~ At least seven hours of sleep at nightGot that covered. Ricky and I are boring. Bedtime is usually around 10:30 to 11, and we don't fully wake up until 6:30 in the morning. That is more than enough sleep.Before I dated him, I was usually up until two in the morning. Not even partying. Just trawling Facebook and getting my eight-dollar-a-month's worth from Netflix. That said, I haven't had any daytime sleep attacks lately.
✓ Stay onlineSo far, Reddit's WTF subreddit has kept me on my toes. So do the vapid life updates on Facebook. Blogging has its benefits, too. And it doesn't hurt that Ricky doesn't complain when I send him gross pictures so I can share my disgust with someone.
People who know me well often like to comment on my constant online status. Now you bitches know why. My advanced body knows how boring life is normally and likes to shut itself down. It has become my struggle and responsibility to keep myself awake.
I probably don't have narcolepsy...
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